What I really do at work!

MY LIFE IS AVERAGE is always pulled up on my computer during work. I mean really, who wants to listen to Mrs. Jones talk about her cats for 20 mins. As long as you mumble "I see" a couple of times, she thinks you are listening when in fact I am reading the following:

-"Edward the red nose vampire had a very Sparkly nose, and if you ever saw him, you would need to plug your nose. All the smarter people still laugh at him and call him names. Cuz' Edward the red nose vampire is stupid." I laughed so hard that I started choking.

-Today I went to the mall where they are having Santa pictures. My little cousin was afraid of the man in the suit, so I told her she could watch me go first. When it came to be my turn I climbed up onto his lap. Santa turned towards me and asked what I wanted. In a very loud voice I shouted, "I know you're really Dumbldore, and I want my letter to Hogwarts for Christmas!" With out missing a beat he replied, "I know, I know. That's what you want. I sent it already, you're owl must be lazy." My little cousin is no longer afraid of Santa. MLIA

-Today in class, we were talking about paedophilia (as you do) and my friend said, "I don't know why people want to sleep with dead people but they do and I don't know why people want to sleep with animals but they do-" and without missing a beat, our classmate said, "You just described Bella Swan!" I like her. MLIA

-Today i read a submission that said "Today I saw a post that said, "Today I read a post that said "Today I read I post that said "today I saw a post that said 'Today I realized that in phineas and ferb, phineas head is shaped like a p and ferbs head is shaped like a f. MLIA' I'd like to point out that candace's head is shaped like a c. MLIA" I would also like to point out that doofensmertz head is in d form. MLIA" I just wanted to see how long this can go for. MLIA" I would like to add that Isabella's body plus her head make a lower case 'i.' MLIA I Would like to point out that buford's body is an uppercase B! MLIA --My dad loves this show.... he is 47

-I was on dearblankpleaseblank and found this one. "Dear Sesame Street, Please go back to the way you were, when oscar lived in a trash can not a recycling bin, Vegetable monster was Cookie monster, and Bert and Ernie were still on the show because everyone thought they were brothers. Sincerly, Sick of political correctness." I have faith in Seasame Street. MLIA --------who in the hell wants a vegetable monster? veggies are scary enough for children. Geez.

-The other day, we had a lockdown practce at school. My teacher, being himself, didn't lock the door. As the police were going around to see if all the doors were locked, and if the classes were being silent, they noticed our door wasn't locked AND we were just continuing with our class. All of the sudden, the police barged in and started shooting us with Nerf guns. Best. Lockdown. Ever. MLIA

-Today I read this post that said, "Today, I took my 8 year old sister and her 2 friends to see Tangled. A preview for that Justin Bieber movie came on. My sister and I, were trying not to say anything that would get us thrown out of thE movie. But when Justin said "and she taught me to never give up on my dreams..." my sisters friend stood up and threw a pen at the screen yelling "Screw her!!!!" Did we get thrown out? Yes. Was it TOTALLY worth it? Of course!! MLIA" Well i'm glad to say that I was in that same theatre and I got kicked out because I defended you. I came out of the theatre with about 6 people clapping and 3 kids crying. MLIA

Which Are You?

Singles ward. Enough said. Who really likes them? No one except the girl whose sweet spirit does not shine bright enough to land her the Abercrombie model and thus the only place she can adore her Hercules is during Sunday school and FHEThese girls are not hard to spot. During the FHE lesson look around for the girl staring creepily...er I mean adoringly at the model-god. No the model-god is not going to take you into his arms and kiss you. He doesn't even know your name sweetheart. He knows the name of the 18 year old who snacks on ice cubes 3x a day. Not fair but life isn't fair.
















So within the realm of my singles ward, there are many different types of girls and guys. Some worth knowing and some worth hiding from. I have learned quite a bit recently first, those guys to avoid. The ones who you spot from a mile away because they have toilet paper on their shoe or possess a high-pitch girlie squeal. When I see these boys I hide while the lyrics to Clay Aiken's Invisible play inside my head. Lyrics like such:

• What ya doin tonight? Um I'm washing my hair


• I wish I could be a fly on your wall.... I need a bug zapper stat


• Are you really alone? Nope my black football player bf is with me
  
• Why can't I bring you into my life? The only way I am riding in your car is if you are the dead body in the trunk, freak.

I've somehow landed on the radar of these creep-tastic boys. I walk into the church and immediately they start for me as I turn and run in the opposite direction. Running in 4-inch heels, hard but not impossible. Especially when on the run. FYI don't try the library, it is their "watering hole" or safety zone of the freaks. That is their watering hole. Dusty papers & church films from the 80s keep them happy.


Then you've got the boys who walk with swagger wearing straight-bill hats. The ones who never fail to bring the GQ look to church. The guy knows how to work a room full of girls. Gives you "the nod" or a flirty wink over the head of the current girl in front of him. He is ever so smooth. Guys want to be him and girls want him, but he doesn't choose one.





He walks as though he is bringing sexy back.... no, it already came back. He will confess that nobody's ever made me feel the way you do, but he confessed that same thing to yesterday's girl. They love the allure of the good girl believing that he makes good girls go bad.... not so much babycakes but thanks for playing. The singles ward is brimming with these men but don't fret. Observing their hunt in the herd of 18 year-old girls proves to be entertaining.






The bad boy....nuff said. The ever charming man who does make good girls go bad. He has perfected it to an art. He accomplishes far more than the GQ. Bad boy: a charming, funny, overtly confident guy who is sexy. In good shape. He has that unspoken quality; an edge, touch of the devil. Whatever it is, it ignites women. He is different from the GQ in attitude towards women. He loves women. All women. Makes them feel sexier by being in the room. He isn't attractive based on his status, bank account, or intellect. Instead he can get a woman based on himself. He wants to know everything about. Make you laugh and discover your weaknesses....besides him. He realizes that the more beautiful a girl feels, the more easygoing she is. Personally the ward could use more of these guys.
***Bad boy does not necessarily mean that he is a bad person***



These guys love women who have their own thing, Miss Independent. He finds you so beautiful and tells you everyday. However when he compliments you, you won't believe him. Accept the compliment. The Bad Boy is never fake. He is frank. He builds you up.





***If you are a guy reading this, the term "bad boy" is not a bad phrase. To me it means that you are truthful to the women in your life. That you build them up everyday. It also means that you have the extra ingredient that women long for.

Just a Peek

My grandma tells me to only say nice things to people. A peek into Marissa's head during the day....

Work related thoughts:
-Just because you are deaf does not mean that I am.
-Geez you take alot of prescriptions....maybe you should just kick the bucket. Just sayin
-Just buy it....your gonna die anyways
-I don't wanna grow old
- Old people are weirdos
-I'm sorry but Medicare does not cover Viagra. It is a recreation drug....hehehe. gross
-Yes it is all my fault that your previous employer is going broke and can't afford your drugs anymore. yep it was me. They let a 22 year old cast the final vote.
-I can scream too. Wanna see who can scream loudest?
-Don't let me stop your tirade.
-I'll get right on that.
-Could the power please go out today? I could use the break.


School thoughts:
-I think my professor is gay....hmm interesting
- I'll laugh when its funny.
-Cannot compute.
-Did the TA just flirt with me? Yes, yes he did.... Damn I should have taken advantage of this arrangement sooner.
-Yummy, he is cute.
-Married
-Married
-Married
-Single....creeper

Other thoughts:
-Does your IQ decrease with every annoying laugh?
-You look like a mouse. You shall be called mouse girl. MWAHAHA
-Oh look at the cute couple.....BARF
-If I were to kill you, how would I do it?
-Hooker, Slut, Tramp, Whore, Floosie.
-Player. Loser. Cocky. Arrogant.
-It's called a brush. Feel free to abuse it.
-Please don't talk to me. Out of your league.
-You choose her.... ROFL!!!! Oh my sides hurt. Good luck with that.
-Yes the Evil Glare is meant for you.
-Trash bag, shovel, and a lollipop for after.
-AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK
-Think he'll notice? Nah
-We are going to hell for this one.
-You can't make me!!!

Top 5:
5. I don't love you but Jesus does. Only Jesus.
4. Well aren't you just a special little soul
3. No you may not hug me.
2. lyrics to songs:
-currently Jar of Hearts is on repeat in my head
1. That's what she said!!

Yes? No? Maybe?

The dating game is a bitter sweet occurrence in the life of a 22 year old girl. As many of you know, Marissa’s past boyfriends leave one gasping for air as you laugh. It carries a common theme of “don’t ask me, I don’t know why I dated them. What the hell was I thinking?”

Apparently, according to my father, I’ve been going about the dating game all wrong.

When I feel like I’ve been strung-along by a boy, I take the stance of I’m not going to talk to you or even acknowledge that we are breathing the same air. In the past I would have been very verbal about the hurt but in my “mature” age, I’ve been trying to adopt the idea of don’t have nothing to say nice, don’t say anything at all. Sometimes it works better than others. Well, I am not the most subtle person alive. In fact, I’m as subtle as a semi-truck hitting another truck full of paint. Everyone in a 5 miles radius can see and feel it when Marissa is mad/ignoring some person(s). Fed up with continually feeling this way, I decided to ask the one guy who I knew would tell me the ugly truth: my dad.

Now I do warn you, especially if you are female, that the following views may seem to you to be atrocious. However, the truth hurts and the ugly truth hurts even more.

Truthfully I don’t quite remember how we got on this topic and it was a fairly long, enlightening debate. It was a debate. My father and I are loud and have no difficulty in sharing our opinions and denouncing other peoples. It may be a jumble of thoughts and a bit frightening and shocking…. my mother definitely had some facial expressions conveying her disgust. Ok here we go:

First we will establish the term “dating”:

-Of a couple, to be in the early stages of a relationship where they go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple.

Sorry girls but the term “dating” does not mean that you are a full fledged, official couple bound for marriage. It does not mean that he is the one. It doesn’t even mean that you are the Lucy to his Ricky. It purely means that you are in a state of figuring out if this person is what you think they are. It is a time to figure out if you like the person in all their glory or if you can’t stand them. It does not mean that he is shopping for an engagement ring when you think he is playing basketball with the boys. He really is playing basketball with the boys.

Rule straight from the Male Rulebook:

Dating is like job interviews. You don’t just want to have one job interview. The chance of it being the job that works out is very unlikely. You need to have multiple interviews in order to have a good outcome. Dating is the same way. Dating multiple girls in the “Maybe” column allows them to determine whether she belongs in the “Yes” or “No” columns.

A girl is far more likely to want to establish the relationship as “exclusive” by the third or fourth date with a guy whereas a guy most likely doesn’t and if he does find himself in a “relationship” it may not be what he wanted. He may have felt pressured by the girl to be in the relationship. He doesn’t want to say no to the girl because she is in his “Maybe” column. So he says yes but he also has the other girls in his “Maybe’ column to figure out. He can still do so. My dad states that 90% of the time, the guy is pressured by the girl to be in the relationship. Now girls, some of you are freaking out. I did. Many of you may say that he is not suppose to date any one else. As my dad asked me, where is that stated? Dating is a game of getting to know people and finding if you are compatible with them. Why should you limit your shopping list? The guy may decide with time that the girl is or isn’t what he wants. That is when he freely makes his decision without pressure. If it is a “Yes” then marriage is on its way.

I even asked my dad if he would be ok with me dating a guy who is in such a situation. He replied yes, because you are still in the “Maybe” column. Shocking, I know. My father is definitely not arranging my marriage any time soon that is for sure.

This next rule supports the last. Everyone is date-able whether or not they are “in a relationship”. Guys will still go after a girl who is in a relationship up until there is a ring on her finger. It’s the same way for girls with guys.

Girls I know you are freaking or at least find this whole idea a bit shady. One thing to keep in mind is that there is a rule book for men and a separate one for women. In the female book when a guy is in a relationship then it means that he is not dateable. That he is no longer interested in you. False. He may still be interested in you. Observe his behavior. Does he bring the girlfriend around? Does he still flirt with you and/or other girls? Never throw any guy out of the game, just think of a more clever strategy to play the game.

After the two hour debate with my father, I can understand his thinking. My father even stated that he would prefer me to date like a boy. That way I could figure out a lot more about my own “Maybe” column. Who knows? Maybe…